Rules of behavior

There has been much discussion and even criticism of how ball players act on the field. I have taken it upon myself to write some rules. Rules, not guidelines. Here goes.

For closers: there will be no celebrating the final out. No fist pumping, no untucking of shirts, no dancing and most of all, no mooning the opposing teams bullpen. You just swept and now your team is in first place? Don’t care.

For starting pitchers: no celebrating the third out of any game. If you throw a no hitter you cannot hug your catcher. You’re allowed to smile if you had a perfect game. One tiny brief smile.

For relievers: pretty much the same as above but to clarify, when you come in and the pitcher before you has left men on base and you don’t give up a run, you are not to celebrate. After the final out just walk off the field and take a seat.

There is to be no celebrating of home runs. No high fives, no thanking Grandma in heaven, no hugging teammates, no head rubbing or butt patting.

Walk-off wins: no pies, no dumping water on the head, no crowding around home-plate waiting for the runner to congratulate him because, no congratulating the runner.

Wins: this business of players jumping and hip butting has got to stop. And the players walking across the field and high fiving each other is no more.

Misc.: Swisher is no longer allowed to smile, laugh or salute.

I think that covers everything. If not let me know and I’ll make up something.

The post season will be addressed when we get there.

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